Ed Wood Jr.?, Part 2
(Romar Entertainment, 2006)
Starring: Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Billy Zane, Meat Loaf
Less pleasurable than the throbbing bladder pain begat by too much movie theater soda, BloodRayne ably continues Uwe Boll's indisputable reign as the worst filmmaker on the planet. Once again adapting a videogame for the screen, the German director's latest load of cinematic poo is ever-so-slightly more technically proficient than last year's Alone in the Dark. But whatever minute newfound skill Boll exhibits behind the camera—and let me be clear, it's very minute—is predictably offset by his film's staggeringly incompetent writing, staging, special effects, and performances, the latter of which are so monumentally lethargic and inept that they nearly cry out for "Most Lackluster Ensemble" recognition from SAG. It's almost too easy to pile on BloodRayne, a pathetic amalgam of Dracula and The Lord of the Rings that boasts not a wisp of an original idea in its gory, D&D-influenced head. And yet the sight of prominent actors (including Academy Award-winner Ben Kingsley!) greedily opting to use their considerable industry clout to help make such incontrovertibly mindless dreck (presumably for a hefty payday) is nothing short of dismaying and disgusting. So let the critical carnage commence. -Nick Schager
Mr. Filthy (1/5)
Like all Boll movies, Bloodrayne is based on a moderately successful video game whose rights he got cheaply. He got a hack (Guinevere Turner) to crap out a script, and shot it on the cheap in low-budget foreign locations with Z-grade talent like Kristianna Lokken, Meatloaf, Matt Davis, Billy Zane, Michele Rodriguez, Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley. For the actors, appearing in a Uwe Boll is a declaration that they act for money and have costly addictions that must be fed. It also declares that they have less self-respect than a Tri-Delt. It's like falling on a spiral of shame and bumping your head on every step all the way down to the bottom.
Ed Wood Jr.?, Part 1